Flannoyed! or My Trip to the Toilet at Work.
I'm flummoxed and annoyed. And a few other things, too. I just walked into the ladies' room at work and four of the five stalls were occupied.
I walked into the lone free stall and was appalled by what stared me in the face.
Was it:
a. Some sepia-toned turdage
b. Some turdage in your classic blood-spatter pattern
c. Some black turdage
d. A whole bunch of fruit like melons, blueberries and strawberries.
If you chose a, good for you for recognizing sepia as an interesting turd color.
If you chose b, blood and turdage should never be in the same sentence.
If you chose c, you probably should see a doctor.
If you chose d, ding-ding-ding, you're the lucky prizewinner.
People. Please. Come on. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PUTTING FRUIT IN THE TOILET???
Fruit should only be in the toilet once it has reached the status of a, b, or c above. Seriously. How freaking lazy do you have to be to dump your goddamn uneaten fruit in the toilet? Hello, there are trash receptacles in the bathroom!
Or maybe you could walk your damned ass to the kitchen and toss it in the trash there.
But nooooo. By dumping your melons (big pieces, I might add) and blueberries and strawberry pieces in the toilet, you have:
1. created more work for me as a responsible citizen. Instead of getting to micturate, I had to memorize the phone number of the building and run back to my desk to call about it.
2. Then I had to run back with a post-it that says "Do not flush. Building has been called." in case some dumbass decided to flush it.
3. And what about the poor worker who has to come scoop out the froot? Hm?
Gah. I admit I may have made some mistakes in the past (oatmeal, my own apartment, back when I was stupid, but nothing ever happened and I have seen the error of my ways), but I have never gone this far.
Whoever perpetrated this act must be punished. And possibly fired.
See, people, this is why I don't eat fruit in the first place. Maybe you should take a page out of my book, hm?
sigh.
I walked into the lone free stall and was appalled by what stared me in the face.
Was it:
a. Some sepia-toned turdage
b. Some turdage in your classic blood-spatter pattern
c. Some black turdage
d. A whole bunch of fruit like melons, blueberries and strawberries.
If you chose a, good for you for recognizing sepia as an interesting turd color.
If you chose b, blood and turdage should never be in the same sentence.
If you chose c, you probably should see a doctor.
If you chose d, ding-ding-ding, you're the lucky prizewinner.
People. Please. Come on. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING PUTTING FRUIT IN THE TOILET???
Fruit should only be in the toilet once it has reached the status of a, b, or c above. Seriously. How freaking lazy do you have to be to dump your goddamn uneaten fruit in the toilet? Hello, there are trash receptacles in the bathroom!
Or maybe you could walk your damned ass to the kitchen and toss it in the trash there.
But nooooo. By dumping your melons (big pieces, I might add) and blueberries and strawberry pieces in the toilet, you have:
1. created more work for me as a responsible citizen. Instead of getting to micturate, I had to memorize the phone number of the building and run back to my desk to call about it.
2. Then I had to run back with a post-it that says "Do not flush. Building has been called." in case some dumbass decided to flush it.
3. And what about the poor worker who has to come scoop out the froot? Hm?
Gah. I admit I may have made some mistakes in the past (oatmeal, my own apartment, back when I was stupid, but nothing ever happened and I have seen the error of my ways), but I have never gone this far.
Whoever perpetrated this act must be punished. And possibly fired.
See, people, this is why I don't eat fruit in the first place. Maybe you should take a page out of my book, hm?
sigh.
posted by H. at 5:19 PM
4 Comments:
No fruit? No problem! Not when you can tuck into a brisk bowl of Post Super Sugar Crisp With Eight Essential Vitamins!
Oh, my! What a great find! And here I thought Topher's Breakfast Cereal Character Guide was the best thing around. What a great find, Who Am Us Anyway! I feel so much less flannoyed now!
um ... why can't you flush fruit?
(Man enters stage right, clutches chest. In obvious pain, he can barely gasp out 4 words)
Musts ... have ... more ... Flapjam
(He collapses.)
Curtain.
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